Hot Josh and the Loyalty Card Crisis
I was buying exactly one bottle of sparkling water.
Nothing else.
This should have been a twenty-second transaction.
The cashier smiled.
“Do you have our loyalty card?”
I smiled back.
“I believe loyalty should be earned.”
She laughed.
I didn’t.
She looked at me.
“You don’t have one?”
“I have many things.”
“This isn’t one of them.”
She pointed toward a small display.
“You can sign up. It’s free.”
Free.
An interesting word.
Nothing is free.
Someone always pays.
Usually me.
Eventually.
I folded my arms.
“What exactly am I pledging my loyalty to?”
She blinked.
“The grocery store.”
“I’ve only known you people for four minutes.”
Another blink.
“I don’t enter relationships that quickly.”
The customer behind me sighed.
Loudly.
He was clearly unfamiliar with meaningful conversation.
The cashier explained that the card simply gives discounts.
“So you’re intentionally charging me more unless I agree to identify myself?”
“Well…”
“Interesting business model.”
She looked toward the service desk.
Probably hoping someone else would inherit me.
No such luck.
“I only came here for water.”
She nodded.
“So why are we discussing my long-term commitment?”
The man behind me muttered something about “just pay already.”
I turned around.
“Sir, if society accepted the first loyalty program offered to them, we’d never have competition.”
He chose silence.
Wise decision.
The cashier finally asked,
“So… would you like the card?”
I thought about it.
For nearly a full minute.
Long enough for another register to open.
Long enough for three customers to leave my line.
Long enough for the cashier to question several career decisions.
Finally I smiled.
“No.”
She pressed one button.
My total increased by eighty-three cents.
I handed her my credit card.
As the receipt printed, she asked,
“Are you sure?”
I nodded confidently.
“Some things are worth paying for.”
I walked out with my sparkling water and absolutely no savings.
Did I spend more?
Yes.
Did I make a point?
Also yes.
Do I remember what that point was?
Not particularly.
But principles aren’t measured in dollars.
They’re measured in the satisfaction of making an ordinary shopping trip take nearly ten minutes.
The lesson?
Hot Josh doesn’t join loyalty programs.
He expects loyalty programs to compete for him.
