Hot Josh and the Grocery Store Loyalty Points Revolt

It all began on a peaceful Saturday morning when I strutted into my local supermarket ready to “just grab a few things,” which is code for spending $200 on items I’ll forget in the pantry. I head straight for the checkout with a cart full of essentials: five types of sparkling water, a rotisserie chicken, luxury cheese I can’t pronounce, and a candle that inexplicably ended up in my cart.

I swipe my loyalty card with the elegant flourish of a man who expects rewards. Big ones. Fireworks. Trumpets. Confetti. The digital screen blinks and displays my accumulated points:

“13.”

Thirteen.
As in… barely double digits. As in… LESS than the number of sparkling waters I bought.

I stare at the cashier. “This must be a mistake.”

She smiles sympathetically. “Loyalty points add up slowly.”

I lean in. “Ma’am… I have been loyal for years. Loyal. I deserve a plaque. A statue. A corner of aisle seven dedicated to my contributions.”

She giggles, thinking I’m joking. I’m not.

The manager appears — poor soul — and asks, “Is there a problem?”

“Problem?” I say loudly enough for nearby customers to flinch. “Yes. I just spent nearly two hundred dollars and my reward is… what… the opportunity to spend two hundred more? That’s not loyalty. That’s emotional manipulation.”

A crowd forms. I see my moment. I step onto the little rubber mat at the end of the conveyor belt like it’s a podium.

“Attention shoppers!” I announce. “For too long, we have been oppressed by reward systems designed to reward NOTHING. Rise up! Demand points! Demand recognition! Demand—”

The manager cuts me off. “Sir, please step off the… podium.”

“It’s not a podium,” I reply grandly. “It’s a platform for change.”

Security is called, but before they arrive, the manager offers me 500 courtesy points just to stop the speech. FIVE. HUNDRED.

I bow graciously, hop off my makeshift stage, and say, “This is the beginning of a new era. You’re welcome.”

As I stroll out, customers applaud — not sure if it’s for my bravery or because they just want the line to move.

Because when Hot Josh goes shopping, the real item on the list is justice… and maybe artisanal brie.