The Gym Owes Me Results

So I finally walk into the gym I’ve been “meaning to use” for the past nine months. I flash my membership card like a VIP badge, as if the desk staff should salute me for gracing them with my presence.

I spend ten minutes wandering around pretending to evaluate equipment. Then I hop on the treadmill, set it to “brisk walk,” and check my phone every thirty seconds. After about four minutes, I’m exhausted—so I head straight to the smoothie bar.

“Excuse me,” I tell the worker, “I’ve been a member here for months. Where’s my six-pack?”

She stares at me, blender in hand. “You mean… abs?”

“Yes. That’s why people join gyms, right? Results. I’ve put in the financial commitment, so I expect the physical outcome. That’s how memberships work.”

She tries not to laugh, but I double down. “Do you see how Netflix gives you shows immediately after subscribing? Same logic. You’ve had my money long enough—time to deliver the product.”

The manager overhears, comes over, and says, “Sir, it doesn’t quite work that way.”

“Oh, doesn’t it?” I reply, sipping my smoothie. “Because I’m pretty sure the customer is always right. And my abs are currently always wrong.”

In the end, they offered me a free personal training session, probably just to shut me up. I skipped it, of course. But I did post a scathing review online: ‘Gym refuses to honor membership perks of instant fitness.’

Because when Hot Josh pays, he expects to see the gains—whether or not he picks up a dumbbell.