Free Samples Mean Free Meals

I walk into the grocery store on a Saturday afternoon. You know the drill: the smell of popcorn from the machine by the door, the loudspeaker announcing specials on rotisserie chickens, and best of all—the holy grail—sample tables everywhere.

Now, most people politely take one toothpick-sized bite of cheese or a tiny paper cup of juice. Not me. I’ve elevated the art.

First stop: the sausage station. I grab one. Tasty. Grab another. The sample lady gives me a look. I smile and say, “Don’t worry, I’m conducting market research.” She’s too confused to stop me from grabbing a third.

Next up: granola bites. I fill both hands. Someone mutters, “That’s for everyone.” I counter, “So is democracy, but look how that turned out.”

By the time I hit the frozen foods aisle, I’ve assembled a full plate: sausages, granola, half a bagel, two mini tacos, and a sample-sized smoothie shot. I even snagged napkins.

An older guy in line whispers, “Are you allowed to do that?”

“Allowed?” I reply, incredulous. “Sir, this is a membership perk. I don’t just shop here, I support the ecosystem.”

Twenty minutes later, I’m at a café table in the corner of the store, eating what could only be described as a “sample buffet.” People keep staring, but none of them stop me. The staff knows the rules are unwritten, and I’ve simply mastered the loopholes.

I toss my napkins, clap my hands together, and declare: “Dinner’s on the house tonight.”

Because in my world, samples aren’t bites—they’re opportunities.