The Coffee Shop Wi-Fi Was Slow, So I Demanded Rent

I walk into my favorite coffee shop—favorite because they don’t question my “refills” policy (I refill my own cup when they’re not looking). Today, though, the vibe is all wrong. My table—the one by the outlet—was taken by some guy writing what I can only assume was the next “War and Peace,” based on how furiously he was typing.

I pick a seat near the bathroom and set up my laptop. I’m ready to crank out important work, like browsing vacation rentals I have no intention of booking. But the Wi-Fi… is slow. And not just “takes a second to load” slow—it’s “watching a 1998 dial-up tutorial” slow.

I walk up to the counter, where the barista greets me with a polite, “Everything okay?”

“Not even close,” I say. “Your Wi-Fi is operating at what I would call prehistoric levels. I’m losing valuable time—and time is money.”

She apologizes and says, “It’s complimentary Wi-Fi.”

“Right, and so is the air conditioning, but if it broke, you’d fix it, wouldn’t you?”

Now the manager comes over. I explain that since my time has been wasted, they actually owe me rent for occupying my virtual office.

“How much rent?” he asks, humoring me.

“Well, I average $300 an hour in potential earnings, and I’ve been here for two hours, so that’s $600. But I’ll settle for $550 and a free croissant.”

Long story short, I didn’t get rent, but I did get the croissant. And the guy by the outlet mysteriously left five minutes later.

Victory, in my book.