“I Deserve a Raise for Showing Up (Eventually)”

So it’s Monday morning. I stroll into work—10:52 AM, which in my opinion is basically still morning—and my manager has the audacity to give me a look. Like, “You’re late again.”

I calmly explained that traffic was “spiritual” today and I needed to honor the journey. Then I asked if I could speak to her privately. She looked nervous. Good. That meant I had the upper hand.

I sat her down and said, “I think it’s time we discuss a raise.”

She blinked like I had just recited a spell. “A… raise?”

“Yes,” I said. “Despite overwhelming odds—alarm clocks, construction zones, my own lack of motivation—I still find the strength to show up. And that’s not nothing.”

She had the nerve to say, “But you’re consistently two hours late and have been written up three times this month.”

So I clarified: “That’s why I deserve hazard pay. For enduring this toxic environment of micromanagement and punctuality obsession.”

Long story short, I didn’t get the raise. But I did get an extra 10-minute break for my mental health, which I immediately used to leave early.

We call that entitled progress.