Entitled to the “Employee Discount” — Because I’m Basically One of Them

So, this happened when I was about 26. I had just finished screaming into a pillow over a $14.99 charge for something that clearly should’ve been on sale, and I decided to treat myself to a little something nice. I walked into this trendy local shop that sells overpriced candles, ironic mugs, and throw pillows with phrases like “Live. Laugh. Lawsuit.”

Anyway, I walk up to the counter with my haul: two mugs (one said “CEO of Entitlement”, obviously), a crystal that allegedly absorbs negativity (spoiler: it didn’t), and a blanket that felt like it was woven from the dreams of unemployed influencers.

When the clerk rang it all up, I casually dropped:
“Can you apply the employee discount?”

She squinted at me like I had just told her I was Batman.
“Do you work here?” she asked, with the dead-eyed optimism of someone who’s been asked if the bathroom is for customers only… eight times that day.

I said, “Not technically, but I did help unload boxes once when your delivery guy almost fell over. I basically saved your whole operation.”

She blinked. “That was six months ago.”

“Exactly. Loyalty like that deserves recognition,” I said, flashing my most dazzling, legally-distinct-from-a-real-celebrity smile.

She offered me a 10% discount…
Off one item.

I said, “That’s a joke, right?”
She said, “No, that’s a mercy.”

I bought nothing. Told her I’d take my business to someone who respects unpaid volunteers. Like Costco. Or possibly the Salvation Army.

LESSON LEARNED: Apparently “vibes” and “once did a favor” don’t qualify as legal forms of employment. Who knew?